Where do I get my habits from? I feel like I'm very much alone in this world, not so much physically, but mentally. cosmically. I don't feel like there's someone else out there for me. If there really is and I'm just stupid about it, that's fine, hopefully I'll find that person and it will be fantastic.
But what if I don't?
I'm sure everybody has this fear, so I'm not too worried about it. I just don't want to end up like so many people I've seen before; in a relationship to kill time, with somebody who completely changes who you are either out of necessity (you can't stay the same or you lose the relationship) or out of habit (you start to act differently to please someone else), or even just because you don't think you can do any better. It is said that Love is blind. I've been guilty of this I'm sure. When I'm dating somebody I sort-of fall off the face of the earth. It's happened. I'm horrible at staying in touch with people anyway. I just feel like my mind is in seventeen different places at once.
Speaking of which, I feel TRAPPED. inside my head, inside my apartment, inside my fears. A Box of Fear! a GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION!!! hahaha. No, really though. I have so many things running through my head at once I don't know which way to go. Imagine being lost in a maze and knowing that you have to find your way out, and you're waiting for instruction. All of a sudden you hear "TURNLEFTATTHETHIRDINTERSECTIONAFTERTHENEXTCROSSROADTHENMAKEARIGHTAFTERTHENEXTLEFT-ANDANOTHERRIGHTTHENYOULLBEATTHEENDOFTHEMAZEANDYOUCANLEAVEIFYOUENTERTHECODE125S653MMX85SFCCCT5INTHECOMPUTERATTHEEXITDOOR." That's what my life feels like. Inside my head. that's what's going on. I feel like it's all then nothing, and I get so confused..
I also worry sometimes that I'm deaf or something? I can hear people talking to me but I don't understand them at all. Then other times I hear what people ay but I think I hear "Huh? Abe Lincoln took wash to wilkes-booths mom garage?" "no, I said Kevin Bacon had wished to work for the bomb squad" HAHAHAAH that's funny, Alex! Yeah. great. I'm retarded. Laugh away, kiddies.
Several people have told me they think I have a "Central Auditory Processing Disorder." What that means is that I can't process more than one thing at a time and I get confused or flustered because I can't filter one thing out of a crowd. I feel assenine at work because I have to look directly at a customers mouth when they talk so I can focus on what they're saying. (not because I need to read their lips) There's loud music playing, other customers screaming, babies crying, blenders, espresso machines steaming milk, co-workers shouting drink orders and asking questions, alarms and timers going off.. there's too much going on at once for me to understand one person. what happens to me is I hear them talking, but I hear the blender and the steam wand, then my attention is drawn to someone shouting next to me "WHAT WAS THAT, NON-FAT WHAT?" and all of a sudden I've forgotten what the person right in front of me has just said. "I'm sorry, I missed that, Would you mind repeating that?"
my little translation problem comes in fun-handy here, too.. "I'll have a 16oz. tall tea bubbled up with breve room." I respond "Uhhhm... Do you want the breve steamed? cos we have half&half on the condiment bar.." •blank stare• "wait, what did you want?" "A 16oz. calm tea double cupped with no room?" "riiiiight, right. sorry."
it's 2:30. I need to go to school tomorrow as soon as possible to work on these projects for class so my teacher will stop thinking I'm a complete ASSHOLE for not doing anything. I need to have some serious work done by next week OR ELSE.
seriously.
consequences. •shiver•
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