Do you ever wish you could change who you are? Not like, physically (even though we all wish we could in some way or another) but the essence of your being?
Take me for example. I am who I am, and that's someone willing to make an ass of themself to fit in, yet painfully self conscious and unwilling to take most chances.
I wish I could change the underpainting of Alex. Change whatever that base coat is, that primer color, and make it something more festive. Right now, and for the past few years, I feel like it's been painted gray..
But do you know what? The base coat of paint in gray is a perfect primer for Gliddens FLAMING SWORD RED.
I just have to figure out how to get there, and make it happen. before I'm too old to do it. I'm just REALLY put off by this whole goddamned apartment situation, Marisol. I need to get a place. And I'm SICK of fucking landlords being SKEEZBALLS! FUCK! It's like the scum of the earth present themselves at the chance to control 11 peoples lives in a building, their home, their most vulnerable place. GODDAMN. goddamn. Okay. So when I get it all back together, I think "I need a place. Price-wise, I need it CHEAP." I think if I can find something on Queen Anne, it'll work.
OH, okay, and another thing. I need to learn how to stop talking. I COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING like it's a motherfucking catastrophe. Today when there were no shift supervisors on duty and I wanted my tips, I just said "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!' and I THREW MY ARMS UP INTO THE AIR and threw the door to my store open and just left. Two of my co-workers were in mid sentence with me and I just walked out the door. I didn't turn around, nothing. I walked right over to the PIne Street sbux and when the manager (who used to work at my store for a long time with me) asked how things were going I said "not that great! I tried to get my tips and there's no shift on duty at my store!!!! WTF!" She was like "OMG. Why? That's NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN... What's happening over there!?!?" and I think she called them. :( Then I ordered an iced coffee and I think somebody made it with frappuccino coffee base, becasue it was just terrible tasting. I told the barista "This tastes like.... like schizophrenia followed by a stroke!" and he tried it and said "Omg. That's terrible!" Anyway, long story short, case in point, tongue in cheek, wiener in mouth, I went over there and immediately started Nellie Olsen'ing it up! FUCK GINER! I have to just keep my mouth shut.
I fear that is the reason why some people can't stand to be around me. I'm so negative all the time. It's because I hate my life and I hate the way it is right now. I'm so lazy and dread responsibility and I shirk it off until the very last possible moment and then what do I do? nothing, that's what I do. I do nothing and get nothing done.
Okay, so how do I fix that? I obviously can't do it by myself, as that has yet to work or yield any results. I don't want to say I need meds, but I think I do need therapy. I need someone to talk to to work these thigns out and resolve them and come to terms with this shit in my head.
I think, though, htat it is a huge accomplishment that I FINISHED READING A BOOK. In the last week I managed to read 200 pages. That's INSANE for me. It's been a year + since I've read anything.
I'm NOT illiterate!
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