recovery time

I'm out. Officially OUT of that wretched apartment.

but now I'm mooching off my friend Shannon (Who's a motherfucking SAINT for the love of christ!!!) and she was so gracious to offer me a place to stay until I find my own place.

So when I was moving out, of course I was stressed. SO MUCH TO DO. On top of that, I was basically becoming homeless. It wasn't for lack of trying to find someplace to live. I know, there WERE places out there I could've gone to, but they were SEVERE downgrades from where I was already living and you know what? FUCK. THAT. I have to consider my school and sanity before everything else. I can not live in a basement apartment. I need to be on the 2nd or 9th or 30th floor or WHATEVER. NOT. ON . THE. GROUND. Nor in an alleyway where heroine junkies and disgusting homeless FUCKS go to "hang out."

So stressed. Of course. Nowhere to move to. Packing everything I own into a storage locker. Dropped two classes at school. Decided not to go to classes next quarter and taking a vacation quarter to decompress and perhaps.... go back to NY to visit or something. LA? Montana again? Who knows. So on top of that I asked if I could stay with my (ex)roommates for a few weeks until I find out if I get the low income housing, but I wanted to make sure it was okay with them. So I asked A: "Is N: okay with me staying with you guys for a few weeks until I find a place?" "....... he's iffy about it." . . . . ..

TRANSLATION: You're not welcome at our home. I felt a lot of things at that moment. I felt betrayed. I felt "hung out to dry," so to speak. I felt hated, unliked... like I had done something wrong. I felt like they were somehow trying to blame me for us having to move, at the same time while I was thinking just the opposite. I was overreacting but I kept it in because they were just as stressed as I was because they were moving too, and are prob. going to get sued for the flooring, and I don't want ANYTHING to do with that. totally not my problem, they put the flooring down in every room but MINE. I didn't care if there was carpet or not.

So I tried to remain unreactive to their franticness. Everything seemed to be an emergency. But today, I thought long and hard about everything and about how I felt about things, and I'm not sure if what I did personally is a good move, or the right thing. I just sort-of internalized everything. I stuffed it all down inside and thought about it and how they would react if I freaked out about stuff and how POINTLESS and USELESS an argument would've been. Instead, I offered to help them, I was friendly and whatnot...

I just feel like things went sour with A: and I don't know why or how. At first, I thought "Man, she's turning into a JERK, and it's because of N: because the formula goes like this: Me+A=Success. [Me+A(n)]=Disaster & separation. After I thought about it for a little bit I relized that that might not be the only problem.. I might be being a jerk, too... agging them on (or howeever it's spelled.)

So I give up. The sad part is that I don't think either of them will continue talking to me after my internship is over with. I fear that they're both going to wash their hands of me and just forget they knew me. I've known A: for almost four+ years, and to think that all the fun we had or all the situations we endured were just because she had to, or she felt that she was tied to me here in Seattle, or that she really didn't like me at all and just never said anything about it.

I don't know what to think about it at this point. I could sit here and whine and piss and moan about how I think she hates me and will never talk to me again, or I could continue on like this is all just water under the bridge and we're all alright. We'll see. I think I'd rather continue on like it never happened and that we're still friends, but. I probably won't ever see her again. not much, anyway.

I bet they'll leave Seattle in a year. I wonder if she still hates it here? As much as I have lately?