"When I'm stressed, I shut down."

Yesterday was trying on my mental health.

I was finalizing the rental of my storage space, and while being taken to the space and being shown how to get there through the LABRYNTH that is Public Storage, I walked past a guy I hooked up with late last year. Here's what happened.

I was at a party with two lesbeeens of mine (who are estranged at this point, unfortunately! Working on fixing that) So party was fun, I was outgoing and sociable. One of the hosts of the party was talking to me and saying I should stay over because I'm too drunk to go home. "Uhm, I live about 10 blocks away. I can be home in 20 minutes if I walk, I'm really not drunk." but he kept insisting. I was resisting. So we were leaving. I got outside, turned around and looked at him and thought "was he trying to get me to stay over to hook up with me or whatever?" So his friend came outside
and pulled me back inside. "HE'S TOTALLY TRYING TO KICK IT TO YOU, ARE YOU DENSE?!?! GET BACK IN HERE AND MAKE OUT WITH HIM!" so I did and one thing led to another... And I totally did NOT want to be there. I felt HORRIBLE
afterwards. TERRIBLE. I woke up early the next morning and walked home.. The walk of shame. I wished my friends hadn't left me there, I wish I had thought "JUST GO HOME."

So anyway, I ran into this kid and every time I see him, my stomach devours itself and I feel horrid. So that's what happened. I played it as cool as possible and ignored him. I think he looked at me, but.. Anyway. So that
sort of put a chink in my armor as it were.

Marisol and I spent about an hour together yesterday. She left for Italy today. :( She's the best friend. She helps me speak Spanish and lets me practice with her, which is invaluable. But now she's gone. To Italy until
December 20th. And I'm here to fend for myself! BAH! Really I can do it, but I like having her here anyway!! So that was sad, saying goodbye to her until she gets back in December.

Good part of yesterday: KIMM-O was in town from Vancouver, BC. ALWAYS a good time! We had champagne to celebrate her birthday, and drank crazy blueberry vodka drinks (I almost called them lattes. I just got off of work. Blueberry lattes. Sick.) So we got a little drunk, I passed out for about 20 minutes or so, and then went out.

First stop was the Madison Pub. I really don't like going there anymore.
Reason #1: a guy I dated for about a month goes there every night, seemingly. He ignores me, I ignore him. Perfect.
Reason #2: Nobody's cute there anymore, and the bar staff are not very pleasant. All the guys that go there are a little past their prime, so-to-speak. Some look good, some do NOT. So we had one drink there and we left.

We tried to go to The Cuff next, but the cover was not the $3 usual, it was $10. There was some event going on, and none of us wanted to pay the $10 to get in, which is unfortunate because when I go to The Cuff, I feel accepted. Guys look at me, I look at guys. Smiles are exchanged, conversation is had. I run into gay people I know from work or wherever and they're like "Hey, how are you?!?" and it's NICE to make acquaintances talk to you in public.

We ended up going to Purr. I absolutely HATE this place. The bar itself is nice and I like it for Happy Hour, but the clientele are ASSHOLES in the evening. Serious assholes. They're the "I'm too pretty for you" crowd. It's
like Manray but more full. Stand around, look at everyone, then scowl at them when they see you seeing them because you're insecure.

Bad part #1: saw another guy I went on a couple of dates with. We made out for a bit a few times, then we "slept together" meaning we gave each other a handjob. I told him I did not want to "go downtown," and it was because I didn't want to just get head if he was going to disappear, right? So he bent down and tried to suck me off and said "Just a taste" which I thought was pretty creepy in a way. That he said that was what was creepy. Anyway, he
stopped talking to me and I probably went a little bit crazy with trying to get a hold of him. Really, all I wanted was for him to be an adult and just say "I don't think we should see eachother" or "we're not a good fit" or "I'm just not interested anymore." THAT'S ALL. Just say it. Be a goddamned man, okay? Eventually he said something to the effect of "I'm going to be
really busy with school and getting out of Seattle as soon as I can, so I probably shouldn't start anything with anybody." And that was almost two years ago. He's still here. I don't care much, and I hope he doesn't recognize me. He certainly wouldn't say anything because he seemed like sort-of a non-confrontational wuss.

Bad part #2: While waiting in line for a drink, saw another person I didn't care much to see. We were talking on Myspace for a while. He was funny, interesting, and oh my god, he felt the same way about faggoty-bitches that
I did. Perfect. Well, he sort-of turned into my definition of one of them. We had plans to watch Project Runway on a Wednesday. I think it was the Saturday before, he asked me to go to PURR with him. (remember from earlier
in this post that Purr is the place I HATE.) Anyway, I had a reasonably good time with him. I'm not the real party person (held back by my own insecurities, to be discussed later in this epic post) but I thought I had good conversation and whatnot. So we went home. I text messaged him (I was bent out of shape from being at that bar and feeling hideous) and said
something like "You'd prob. Be better off not knowing me. I'm sort-of a debbie downer!!!" to which he replied "It's alright, I've proposed marriage to every guy friend when I'm drunk. Peace!" ... What? So I never heard from him again. Well, only when I sent him a message. I asked him "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. Still want to come over for Project Runway?"
"no, I can't." Hrm. Okay, I see what's happening here. So I let it go, whatever. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he was really busy with work. Dang, though. That was almost a month ago now. Is he still that busy? Apparently. Yes, I'm miffed about it because he was a nice person. I had absolutely NO interest in trying to date him. NONE. And I get it if he's just not interested in being my friend, but he's all "HEY!" when he sees me out. I just hate it when people are nice to you to your face, but you don't exist when you're not in their grill.

Anyway, so he was there last night and I tried to keep a low profile. We went and sat down on a couch and then I felt a hand on my back, and it was him. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him. "How are you?" "I've been
better. Things are a little bit crazy right now. How about you?" "I can't complain!" Okay. Toodles. So he went and sat down near us, and we decided to leave so I just got up and left. I didn't say goodbye. Which is what he usually does. But it's not like I was there WITH him, he came up to me there and said hi to ME. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to say hi to him anywhere. *shrug*

So that got me sort-of bent out of shape too. It just wasn't a great day. Plus my neck was starting to hurt. That cramp you get in the neck that lasts a day or two that prevents the head from turning to either side, like whiplash or something.

On the walk home, I started thinking. Thinking about how I look. I feel disgusting. I know I don't look that bad to others, but on the inside I just feel terrible. I have horrible self esteem. It's been a lifetime of feeling
terrible for / about myself. I KNOW that's the reason I don't have relationships or can't keep them. I'm fine with that, I know why it's happening. But when will I start DOING something about it?

My life is in such chaos right now. COMPLETE Chaos. I've fallen behind in my class work. I'm not sure I'll even finish the quarter well. I'm sort-of tuckered out! (tuckered. Heh.) I'm not taking any creative classes this quarter. I withdrew from them. Wasted $2000. Taking next quarter off so I can get shit straightened out.

€ nowhere to live as of 8/31/06.
• have to finish classes this quarter
• moving all my stuff into storage while trying to complete classes.
• waiting to see if I get low-income housing. (will know in a week or two?)
• bills. Things to take care of. Cancel cable. Cancel gas billing.
• will be staying with friends in Northgate. (30 minute commute to school/work each day)

It's a lot to deal with. I have a lot on my plate. Plus I need to get into shape. I'm a stress eater. I eat too much when I'm stressed. I sleep too much and am generally inactive. I take the bus everywhere instead of walking. On a good note, I DID go rollerblading this week. It was awesome to move that fast again. Afterwards I felt a little of the adrenaline rush from exercise. Or Endorphins or whatever it is. I want to find friends to blade with me. Or skate. Or whatever! I want to jog too, but I fear being all fat and jiggly while running. GET OVER IT, ALEX.

Anyway I know this looks like I hate myself. A lot of the times my mind is able to convince me that I DO in fact hate myself. It's NoT true. I don't hate myself. I have just identified areas of my life that deserve improvement while I'm still young and not bald yet. I want to be one of those pretty cunts at the bar that can shoot people down, or at least get checked out. But when I get to that stage of the game, will I be able to handle the power and responsibility, or will I lose control and be a whore? Who knows.

Another thing that bugs me is when people tell me "YOU'RE SO SKINNY! YOU'VE GOT SUCH A SMALL FRAME!" Uhm, what? You should see me without a shirt on. YUCK!" as in, I'm not someone who should ever disrobe in public. Never in my life have I been that person. I've definitely been heavier than I am now, though. It just really upsets me when people tell me I'm so skinny, when I know that I'm not. If someone I had never met before and had never seen saw me and said "You're thin, but not skinny." or "You're a little chunky." or whatever, I'd be fine. In fact, someone I was friends with said "So you've got a little padding! A little cushin for the pushin'! You look fine!" Well thank you for being the only person alive who's ever admitted that to me. Goddamn. Was that so hard? I KNOW I'm not skinny. I'd like to be (I was about 3 or 4 years ago.. But I jogged 4+ miles every day and did 30 minutes of cardio! I had nothing to do but exercise and go to work. I've got too much going on now to be able to devote that much time to anything!)

I'm convinced that taking a break from school for a quarter is going to be very, very good for me. Good, good, good. I'm excited, in fact. I think what I'm going to do is go for shift supervisor promotion at work. More money,
but more responsibility. I can do it, though. I need to work on my coffee master skills and get that, too. WHOOP-DE-DOO!!! But it's something else to do now that I'll have time to dedicate to being the shifty-shifterson! We'll see. I told my ASM about it at work and he was all for it. I also need to spend some more time being creative and writing down my thoughts when I have them. I need discipline. I know I have creativity in my head and it comes naturally to me, but not when I'm under so much stress. When I'm stressed, I shut down.

Anyway. This is a ridiculously long post. I felt horrible last night but felt better today. I need to get back to packing and tearing my bedroom apart so I can move the rest of it into storage tomorrow and have just my suitcase and my toiletries to handle. YIPPEE!!!