ruh-roh

so I just found a listing for an available apartment in the building an "ex" of mine used to live in, that I stayed with him in for a couple of weeks. I can almost afford it. but do I want to?? I mean, there are plenty of other options for me to choose from. I can go and look ANYWHERE and find something else, I'm sure. But I know what the apartments look like on the inside and they're alright. GREAT location for me (but not for street parking!) and I know that part of the building came down during the earthquake a few years ago.

The biggest fear is the reminiscing, though. Why can't I let go of this person? I mean emotionally. There's always this underlying sense of longing for him that I can't seem to shake, no matter what happens. my mind just keeps saying his name over and over again. I know I'll never see him again, but I always wonder if he still thinks about me at all, and if he does, does he hate me? Does he think bad thoughts about me? Does he even care that I'm alive? I guess I'd feel pretty bad if he never thought about me after all that we shared.. but I can also understand why he got fed up with me. I was a damned mess back then (and in some respects, still am today.) I know how to deal with situations a lot better now than I did back then. I can handle arguments and disagreements a lot better, and think ahead to what my actions will result in.

Anyway, I don't know why I still think about it. I think I regret a lot of things for sure. We were obviously on completely different pages in life and I had (have) a lot more growing up to do before I'd be ready for someone like him. I think he was just thrust / pulled into an adult life so quickly that he skipped some of the things I spent too long enjoying...?

Regardless. This apartment. I think I'll pass on it, just to be on the safe side. I don't want to cause myself any grief or any stalker cred if he ever found out I live in that building. He'd immediately assume the worst and, well... however much truth there was to it, I'd feel terrible.

on the other hand, there are apartments available in the building which my friend lives in, where I"m currently staying. It's quiet, a half-way decent location, street parking is tough, but not impossible, close to busses that I take to get downtown, and walkable at 4:15am when I have to go to work and open. It's affordable, close to my friends, apparently the manager is cool, there seems to be parking available for a fee... It could be worse, right? well, I guess I'll call and see.

The low-income housing is turning out to be a fuckign joke. Those people are so overworked there it's just ridiculous. I don't even want to deal with them anymore. Fucking aye. at least this place has an elevator!!!!!

'Mo out.