it's weird when you see someone display an emotion you've never seen them display before. It's like seeing your father cry. It's just weird and unexpected. Almost unbelievable.
I saw a friend do just that today. He emoted in a way I've never seen before and it was shocking and upsetting all at once. Not upsetting in an "Oh my god, I can't believe he's done that, I'll never talk to him again" way, but more like an "Oh my god I can't believe that just happened? I never thought it could and then it just did" kind of way. He just put it out there and it was mood altering to see someone you thought you knew show you one more layer, one more level, but from a distance.
It got me thinking about how I don't feel like I've got anybody I can talk to. I feel like the burden I bear is so heavy I can't possibly put that on anybody else and expect anything constructive out of it. There are such long stretches where I feel fantastic, optimistic, and then one thing or another just starts chipping away at my resolve and I'm back to zero.
I'm thinking about the choices I've made and am making in my life and how they're affecting me right now. I know I'm getting wiped out by working two jobs but there's not much I can do right now. Job #1 is sort-of screwing me over, job #2 is fun but doesn't pay a whole lot, or at least enough. With both I'm golden. financially anyway. Once I've got what I need, I can get a move on and try finding a new job. I have to do both for at least six months of killing myself.
Money is such a motivator. I wish there was somewhere I could just give up on everything and go sleep and do nothing and be under-stimulated and not challenged at all for a while and just.. maybe, reboot. I think a mental hospital is the place for this.
Anyway, when this happens I pull away from everybody and everything. (which ultimately exacerbates the situation) but.. I don't know what else to do. People get mad at me when I get like this and that makes me feel even worse... so I'm just going to sort-of go away now.
1 comment:
I don't know the whole situation, but don't you ever go away!!
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