critic? enemy? friend?
Let's go with critic.
I don't know how other peoples heads work, but in MY head, most everything I do is flawed. Not majorly, as I still possess the ability to prevent myself from doing something I'm going to majorly flaw. However, when I do something, a craft, a project, something at work... if I don't get any credit for it, I feel like it's flawed.
What the hell is up with that?
I know I can get things done with mediocre success but rarely do I possess the drive to excel. When did "good enough" become "awesome"?! Is there something in my head preventing me from "going all the way"? Or how about something in my head making me use all these "quotation marks?!" (quotes in quotes, it's an enigma!!!!)
I, like most people (I assume), want to be recognized and appreciated. I want to do something that matters to people, without being taken for granted. So what's making me feel that I'm not being recognized or appreciated for what I do? Is it because I do things that are appreciated too much and people are used to it? Or is it that I DON'T do things that people appreciate it and when this happens, they think "well, he never does things like this so lets not get used to it, eh?" Maybe I am thinking too much about it?
and what's the meaning of life? Is it different for everyone, or is it universal? To be happy? Fulfilled? 42? If it's as easy as "to be happy" then how do you find what makes you happy? Or, worse yet, if you find what makes you happy, how do you accomplish that? I know that what makes me happy is to help people. I like talking to people, I like knowing something they didn't know before and sharing it with them to help them. I like.. no, LOVE, being able to do something for someone that they weren't previously able to do for themselves.
So how do I apply that? My whole working life I've done nothing but jobs that "help people" in what may seem like the lowest form possible. I started out at Burger King "helping people" (helping them do what, you may ask? get fat? feed the need? provide a special treat for their family, I don't know..) but mostly I learned a lot about how to treat people in a service position (thanks to a few people I worked with who were patient enough to teach me properly, and gave me chances that others would not). Then I worked at a department store, and I got to provide people with something they wanted (not needed): clothes/shoes/gift wrappying/luggage/china/sheets/pillows/tube tops. I went from helping customers to a support position helping other employees, and I loved that the most because I KNEW the people I was helping, and they knew me. They trusted me. They knew what they could expect from me and I knew what they wanted and could predictably help them get what they needed. They were appreciative of that. I felt needed and wanted all the time.
But of course working in a department store and a fast food restaurant can lead you feeling like you're not reaching your full potential. Next I worked for Adelphia Communications. Again, I was a customer service person, but this time over the telephone. A whole new challenge. Figure out how to manipulate people to do what I needed them to do to help them. "My TV is all static." "Is it on channel 3?" "yes." "Okay, pick up the remote for the TV and turn it to channel 38." "okay. it's still static." "okay, now turn it back to channel 3." "OH! There's the picture!" SUCCESS! My scores and recorded calls were consistently at or very close to 100%. But again, I grew out of that position and was left feeling unrewarded. There was no opportunity for growth, no upward mobility. Off to Time Warner Communications as a central operations representative. (AKA Cable Tech Dispatcher.) I learned what I could, and again was helping people from the inside. Awesome! I never really connected with anybody in the short time that I was there, and decided that after all this, I needed a shake up.
Seattle, WA. May 8th, 2003. Another customer service position at Starbucks HQ (really, the first job that presented itself to me that I KNEW I could excel at.) fast forward, six years later. Still helping people at starbucks, with a degree in Graphic Design, and a whole new potential to help people in a non customer service way.
but how? I thought with graphic design I'd be helping people by solving problems visually. I like visuals. I like solving problems like WOAH. How do I apply helping people to make them happy to graphic design? Is it by creating something out of nothing? Is it by making illustrations that make people laugh? think? HATE? If I can make somebody feel something so strong like hate, is that an accomplishment? Do I want to make something that people hate? is that hekping people? is it helping me?
...so what do I do? how do I get there from here? What's the meaning of life? What's the meaning of MY life?! Do I have one? Will I make somebody happy? Will somebody make me happy? Will I ever really make myself happy? And if I figure out how to do that, will I be able to? And what if I don't?
I have to try, right? I have to try. I haven't found it yet, whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing to help people. Maybe my feelings of mediocre success in things that I do are just some cosmic force telling me "good try, but this ain't it. This is a piece of the puzzle, just remember where that piece is and try to find another one that fits here now."
Here's to hoping that sooner than later I see the big picture, or at least have enough pieces of the picture so I have a more clear focus on what direction to move in...
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I want to go see the ocean. I want to sit on the beach at the pacific ocean and look out and see the end of the world. I want to find out what my purpose is in life for however long I'm here and I want to accomplish it. I want to accomplish something. and here's to trying to be okay with me, now, because later on in life, this will be a part of the past, and future me will be better for this.
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