Sometimes I think a lot too much.
I had gotten pretty good at not overreacting to situations and to people, but lately I find myself still losing it. control, that is.
I'm sitting at Bauhaus right now. I like it here. I just fear that by "changing coffee shops" (which I never had my own shop in the first place) may confuse or upset people. Like scorned lovers.
Speaking of scored lovers. The guy I fooled around with last night. Bizarre. I thought "He's got a beard. lets do it." Too drunk and stoned to do much, but it would've been interesting. I seem to be some sort of huge cock magnet. Okay, not huge, but... larger than average. Do I just have good/bad luck, or is the average just not what the kinsey reports say (or whomever it is that says that.) I'd rather NOT be with someone that big. I'd prefer someone on the normal end of the spectrum. No surprises, no difficulties, no insecurities for anybody, just good clean fun.
I finished my coffee early. So now I'm looking for apartments online. I'm not having much luck finding anythign in my price range or that I can get to the goddamned open house. FUCK THE OPEN HOUSE! I do not have time for that shit! litterally! They have them on weekends and sure, that sounds good, but fucking aye, we don't all have m-f jobs!!!
There's a cute boy sitting next to me here. He's sort-of flamboyant but in an over-the-top kind of way that could be interesting and fun. I like eavesdropping and hearing what he's got to say. he's really frail. Smallest wrists I've ever seen. Interesting.
I cannot wait for my pilates dvds to show up. I feel dirty for having ordered them but I really need the fucking workouts!!!! If Mari's promise is true, I'll lose one pant size in 10 days! I can do it! I can do it! I hope. maybe my body is resistant to exercise and change? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! Just make me work, bitch! Make me FEEL better!
Speaking of working out, some people say "do it for you, not for anybody else." well, how do you distinguish the difference between "for you" and "for someone else?" If you do it for you, aren't you ultimately doing it for someone else? And if you do it for someone else, isn't it for your own good anyway?
Here's the example. If you can't get a date, you think "God, I'll never get a date. It's becuse I'm MORBIDLY OBESE." so you go on a diet and you exercise and after a few months, you look better and feel better about yourself and then you can get a date. Your motivation was for osmeone else to be physically attracted to you, but ultimately it was for YOU. so you'd feel better about yourself and look better and feel that you are capable of getting a date. Right?
But if you do it for someone else, like if you're dating someone and they want you to lose weight, if you DO lose weight, aren't you doing it for yourself anyway? "If I don't lose weight, they're going to leave me." who likes being overweight? I don't think most people are overweight on purpose. "I like being big. I feel GREAT about myself here in America." So you know if you're obese and your lover's going to leave you, you'd better lose weight so you don't get dumped, have the emotional trauma of being dumped, have to be single, and then try to find someone else who will date you when you're "bigger."
I guess it all depends on what side of the scale you're on. I feel like I'm in the middle, I'm not fat, but there are things about me I want to change. Like the other day I was wearing some khaki cargo pants and I saw myself in a reflection from behind and it was just attrocious. FEROCIOUSLY ATTROCIOUS. I immediately said out loud "OMG. DO I LOOK THAT SWARTHY FROM BEHIND TO YOU, TOO?" I wanted to tear my pants off and walk around in just my underwear.
I'm confident that if I started working out again, I could bulk my legs up REAL easy... My upper body is my trouble area. It's sooooo hard for me to get it all worked out. It makes me sad becasue I can only do like, 8-10 push ups.. Not a pull up to be had, by the way. Working out is fantastical, and I miss it. Especially now that it's fall and I can do it up style somewhere. I want to focus on my body more. Christine and Shannon said it: once you're old, it's harder to get it off. Gotta work it out! WORK IT OUT! WORK IT OUT NOOOOOOW.
Alex, you have to work. it. OUT.
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