why?

So I'm having mental/emotional issues with a male. I've only met this guy once in person. Here's what happened.

We were chatting, he invited me over to watch a movie. He prefaced the invitation with "I'm not inviting you over to stay the night." Fine, I was aware of that and was thinking in my head it probably wasn't a great idea.

I went over, he convinced me to try some wine, and I actually liked it! (I really don't care much for wine at all.) He drank half the bottle and I only had two glasses, so I was only drunk for a short while, whereas he was drunk for quite a while. So as we were watching movies (two or three of them!) he began to flirt with me in his drunken state. He would touch my unit and make physical contact, etc. and kept commenting on how I wasn't drinking any wine. "I'm not staying the night and I have to drive home, I'm not going to maintain intoxication." but he kept nagging me about it.

one thing led to another and we didn't hook up or anything, but just sort-of fooled around. (No oral was involved.) Of course I wanted more, though.. Someone touches your cock and gets you revved, of course you want to finish what's been started.. but he was too drunk to get it up all the way (he said) and was really tired, so I left and came home.

now, I've tried talking to him and inviting him to get together again (with NO sexual connotations invovled!) and he either declines or doesn't even respond. Fine. So I spent the last two weeks trying to get over it and push down the feelings I have(had) for him and get on with it. He's made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me, or anyone for that matter, because he's trying to move to Canada in the near future.

I decided it would probably be best to just not talk to him anymore so I wouldn't be tempted. I deleted him from my messenger and from my MySpace account. He immediately messaged me and said "You deleted me??!!?!?" Uhm. yeah. You haven't talked to me in almost two weeks. You're unresponsive when I message you. Not to be a debbie downer, but it looks like you're another gay man who can't handle telling someone you're not interested, or at least give me a definite clue that you don't want to persue anything with me in the line of friendship, sex, or relationship.

So I explained this to him and he understands where I'm coming from. I told him I can't help that I'm attracted to him physically, and that I should probably just stop talking to him all together so I don't keep picking at myself. He didn't seem to want that, but proceeded to tell me about a guy he was sort-of seeing last week, but he hesitated and now the guy is gone and doesn't want to talk to him. That hurt my feelings somewhat. I'm not good enough for him.

I'm rationalizing it now in my head. He's goofy. he spent a good hour telling me about all of his candles. CANDLES. this was before he got drunk. He seems a little bit socially awkward. (So am I, truth be told!) I'm not interested in that. I think I'm just interested in him sexually because I feel like I could get some easy loving from him amnd not feel guilty... but instead of feeling guilty I might feel all jealous or sad because I'd develop feelings for him...

I want to delete him from my memory. Eternal Sunshine style.

There's a Southwest Air Fare sale, $69 or $79 one-way to San francisco. I'd have to buy the ticket by monday or tuesday, which is fine... and have to talk to Kathy and Katie and see if they're around any weekends and then see if I can take the days off from work and blahblahblah. It's CHEAP! I want ot maximize my vacation time while I'm not at school. I want to travel, see people, and be happy. and creative.

WE'LL SEE.

•delete male from memory
•NYC!
•HOME! (chinese foooood!)
•possible other vacation?
•AMY SEDARIS ON 10/30!!!!!

I THINK OCtober will be good.?