Tipping the Velvet

Okay, so even though it was a lesbian movie (and this is not a hater rant about lesbian movies here! just read on!) it resonated with me. I feel sooooo close to the situation that happened in that movie..

Small town girl, smitten by someone living a lifestyle they themselves weren't quite sure about. Falls in with this person, lured off to the big city (in this case, London) and falls madly and deeply in love... until the other person betrays them. (okay, that part isn't the same in my situation, I wasn't betrayed, nor was he) heart crushed. Off on their own trying to make it in the big city. She falls down on her luck a lot, gets back up and gets knocked down again. Finds someone she can trust but turns out she can't trust them and gets dicked over again. Series of bad "relationships" and ultimately ends up out on the streets with nowhere to go.

The whole while, while she's with other women, she has flashbacks to being with her first love. She is physically affected by the memories they're so vivid. Eventually she turns herself around and gets back on her game and in the end, chooses the love that never hurt her.

In a way, I'm that girl. Lured to the big city, TOTALLY naïve and without any real reason to be here except for the one who lured me here. After that ended traumatically, I am haunted daily by the memories of the good and the bad. I go on dates with lots of people, have relationships with people both good and bad, but everyone always pales in comparison to the first one.

Can we ever get over that failed first love? Does it take forever and a day to do it? Do we have to do it alone, or can somebody help us? So many questions...

I want to be able to do it alone, but I haven't succeeded yet. I want someone to help me... but not someone who doesn't want to. I don't want to be a burden on someone.. I feel so needy and incapable fo taking care of myself, I think that' why I enjoy living alone so much. I'm proving to myself that even though sometimes I feel like a failure, I'm still alive, and still doing alright.

Blah. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm sitting inside blogging. WTF, mate?